We have collected the best Funny Quotes by famous authors including Terry Crews, Samuel Johnson, Ryan Reynolds, Robert M. Pirsig, Andre Maurois and many others, we hope that among them you will find the right thought.
I call myself the Amusement Park. That’s because I’m funny and scary at the same time.
Terry Crews
One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.
Samuel Johnson
It’s funny, because there are so many stereotypes out there about actors and movie stars in general, but I’ve had a great opportunity to meet a lot of them, and maybe it’s just because they don’t behave that way around me, but I rarely see that kind of abuse of power.
Ryan Reynolds
The funny thing about insane people is that it is kind of the opposite of being a celebrity. Nobody envies you.
Robert M. Pirsig
Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know.
Andre Maurois
Keep your sense of humor, my friend; if you don’t have a sense of humor it just isn’t funny anymore.
Wavy Gravy
Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.
Norm MacDonald
Hurried and worried until we’re buried, and there’s no curtain call, Lifes a very funny proposition after all.
George M. Cohan
Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
P. G. Wodehouse
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams
Eddie Murphy said once in an interview that nothing is offensive if it’s funny. I sort of agree with that, but if something’s funny and you’re the subject of it, sometimes it’s more offensive. If someone’s insulting you, you want them to sound like an idiot.
Artie Lange
I’m thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
Paula Poundstone
It’s funny, because I don’t have a very addictive personality in any way except for things like stories or books or movies or TV. I just get, like, completely enamored and lost in that world, especially when one really hits the right way. Like, I just can’t do anything else.
Mae Whitman
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield
Apparently, my father was funny. I didn’t really know him, but people have theories that the gag-smith gene trickles down through the blood amongst other terrible traits like a big nose and a temper.
Aisling Bea
Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.
Cathy Guisewite
Being a funny person does an awful lot of things to you. You feel that you mustn’t get serious with people. They don’t expect it from you, and they don’t want to see it. You’re not entitled to be serious, you’re a clown.
Fanny Brice
If something is very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it’s truly funny, then it’s worth doing. Things aren’t worth doing for the sake of being controversial.
John Mulaney
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
It is funny to me that because I can run, because I’m athletic, people tend to see that as my only asset.
Colin Kaepernick
It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
Bill Hicks
Let’s have some new cliches.
Samuel Goldwyn
I love ‘AP Bio’ – I think it’s so funny – it’s just not the show I want to do.
Adam F. Goldberg
I’m funny. I’m a comedian. I’m not a clown.
Bernie Mac
Someone said to me at a party once, ‘Oh, yeah, you’re a comedian? Then how come you’re not funny now?’ And I just wanted to say, ‘Well, I’m just going to take this conversation we’re having and then repeat that to strangers, and then that’s the joke. You’re the joke later.’
Mike Birbiglia
I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
Norman Wisdom
It was a scandal when I did French ‘Playboy’ in 2008, though I was never actually nude in it. I think it’s really funny that I’ll have a cover of ‘Playboy’ to show my grandkids.
Lily Cole
As for me, it is interesting to play a role that is not human; it is nice to be all powerful without fancy action scenes. But, it is not funny to play God, even on film. You don’t speak much and just smile beatifically.
Sudeep
When I was a kid, I used to be like a professional juggler in training. That’s funny, right?
A. J. Green
Maybe I’m delusional but I’m usually funny. It’s not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
Adam Carolla
If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman
But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it’s funny enough.
Sarah Silverman
In ‘The Sound of Music,’ I was a von Trapp daughter in a white dress with a blue satin sash, and my line was, ‘I’m Brigitta. I’m 12, and all I want is a good time.’ I got a laugh. And I was so delighted, I laughed, too. Sadly, that’s a problem I still have – onstage, I laugh hysterically at how funny I am.
Hugh Grant
I just always remember there being an ability to amuse schoolmates. Not in a kind of ‘dance-around-at-the-front-of-the-room-with-his-trousers-off’ way, but probably with a sardonic quip. I remember getting a school report that said something like, ‘Steve’s good, but he tries to see the funny side in everything.’
Stephen Merchant
Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they’re down, and when they’re having a good time, I can carry on the joke.
John Krasinski
When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.
Richard Lewis
Something that I’ve always been really keen on representing is some honesty with the way that we view ourselves. That’s something I’ve always appreciated watching actors that I’ve looked up to, is when they look like you and me, or they have a funny elbow, or they have, you know, a hairy face.
Florence Pugh
I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
Robin Williams
‘Red Band Society’ is inspiring, funny, and an uplifting story that makes you want to make the most of your life, love and live to the fullest, and that’s a great message.
Nolan Sotillo
Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
Tim Allen
I always dreamed about getting on TV and being part of a team – a funny ensemble.
D’Arcy Carden
Never fight an inanimate object.
P. J. O’Rourke
It’s a required part of your film history to know who Woody is. His movies are so wonderful, and not just funny but so insightful about human behavior.
Scarlett Johansson
Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I’m being funny, but I’m reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we’re going down the tube.
Joan Rivers
I can’t tell if I want to be a rapper who’s funny because I kind of enjoy just doing really stupid songs about nothing. But I want to have a career that’s long-lasting, and I don’t think people want to listen to a straight-up comedy rapper all the time.
Awkwafina
I’m attracted to women who are smart and funny and ambitious and have lives of their own and great families. Isn’t that what attracts anyone?
Tom Brady
Hurried and worried until we’re buried, and there’s no curtain call, Lifes a very funny proposition after all.
George M. Cohan
I remember being four or five, not understanding how to be funny, so just going around the house and my mum and dad’s friends, confusing adults by saying weird things.
James Acaster
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney
I can’t prevent myself of being funny.
Gaspar Noe
Turn up the lights. I don’t want to go home in the dark.
O. Henry
It’s funny, I guess when I was growing up, I didn’t really think about being an instrumentalist, per se. I didn’t think, well, I want to be a piano player, or, I want to be a guitar player, or even, I want to be a singer. I just wanted to be a musician.
Jacob Collier
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
Charles Dudley Warner
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter
I trust God’s timing. I’m a very spiritual person, and a lot of times, we want things on our time, and we come up with our own plans of what we want to do with our lives, but God be like, ‘Haha, you’re funny. That’s cute. Anyways, this is what you’re going to do,’ and I’ve learned to just sit back.
LeToya Luckett
Boston is actually the capital of the world. You didn’t know that? We breed smart-ass, quippy, funny people. Not that I’m one of them. I just sorta sneaked in under the radar.
John Krasinski
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner
I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde
I got my sense of humor from my grandmother. You know, my grandmother was very funny.
Paul Mooney
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
Mark Twain
It’s a funny thing, life… as much as you don’t want the sun to come up, it comes up the next day. Life continues on and you have to make a choice in how you handle it.
Glenn McGrath
It’s funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they’ll do practically anything you want them to.
J. D. Salinger
That’s why ‘Gangnam Style’ works. If someone handsome uses that phrase it’s just awkward. But if someone like me uses it, it’s funny.
Psy
Most comedy is based on getting a laugh at somebody else’s expense. And I find that that’s just a form of bullying in a major way. So I want to be an example that you can be funny and be kind, and make people laugh without hurting somebody else’s feelings.
Ellen DeGeneres
Being funny is my biggest differentiator, and I think I’d be a fool not to use that, and there’s nothing I enjoy personally more than making a human being laugh. But then, I also think I have a serious side to me.
Lil Dicky
Yes, we do defend our office as we do defend our homes. This is a constitutional right everybody has, and nothing’s funny about that. The only reason they get mad at the Black Panther Party when you do it is for the simple reason that we’re political.
Fred Hampton
I think it’s a comedian’s job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits.
Donald Glover
If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.
Billy Wilder
Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.
Quentin Crisp
Reality is like a doughnut: Everything that is good and funny and juicy is outside the center, which is just emptiness.
Olga Tokarczuk
As far as I’m concerned, ‘whom’ is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.
Calvin Trillin
I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.
Paul Simon
I’m funny with food, even if it’s vegan. I like it well well, well, well done. I don’t want anything there that reminds me of blood. I get mine extra well done. That way, when I look at it, I’m like, ‘Okay, cool.’
Ghostface Killah
When you’re eight years old nothing is your business.
Lenny Bruce
I had several turtles before they were in. People seemed to think they were funny. Now everyone is wearing them practically every place. I think that’s real fine, but I don’t agree they should go to a formal affair. Turtlenecks with dinner jackets seem ridiculous to me.
Peter Graves
What’s funny is I probably still have some calligraphy business cards floating out in the world, and I can’t wait for someone to call me in a month or something, and say, ‘Can you do these for my son’s Bar Mitzvah?’
Meghan Markle
I don’t mean to be funny.
Yogi Berra
And I think that being able to make people laugh and write a book that’s funny makes the information go down a lot easier and it makes it a lot more fun to read, easier to understand, and often stronger. So there’s all kinds of advantages to it.
Al Franken
When I was in high school, there was ‘Superbad’ and ‘The Girl Next Door’ and ‘Wedding Crashers’ and all these great movies. You hope to be a part of something that’s smart, funny and in that Todd Phillips-vein. You want to make something like ‘Superbad.’ That movie was so good and so funny.
Miles Teller
People ask ‘do you make a conscious effort not to swear?’ – if you’re doing silly stuff you’re not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
Tim Vine
There is something about sex that always brings out the funny in me. I think it’s because we make such fools of ourselves over it.
Rita Moreno
The two things in the world we all share in this world are laughter and pain. We’ve all got problems. The levels of those problems vary, but we’ve all got problems. When you can take things that are painful and make them funny, that’s a gift – to you and your audience.
Kevin Hart
When I read the ‘Ugly Betty’ pilot, I thought, ‘Oh, this part’s funny.’ I said to my husband, ‘I’m going to get it!’ But based on what? All my exquisite comedic work in a Nike commercial?
Becki Newton
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
Oscar Wilde
Johnny Rotten. He’s a big fan of mine. I used to see him out in the audience in England and he’d stand up and holler. He’s funny. Smart too, and a nice guy. Don’t think he’s a jerk because he isn’t.
Captain Beefheart
I am certain there is too much certainty in the world.
Michael Crichton
When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.
Steven Wright
It’s so funny, this thing of ‘overnight success.’ I’ve been doing this for 20 years, but yes, sure, it happened overnight!
Brett Goldstein
Never put a sock in a toaster.
Eddie Izzard
I always thought there were two kinds of males in the world: the ones who look good naked and the ones who look funny naked.
David Hewlett
Novels are not about expressing yourself, they’re about something beautiful, funny, clever and organic. Self-expression? Go and ring a bell in a yard if you want to express yourself.
Zadie Smith
You can crack a joke and make a person smile but it matters a lot when that’s on screen. It can be a very nice joke but if you shoot it badly or the actor gets the timing wrong, it won’t be funny.
Jitendra Kumar
It’s funny – when I started acting, I didn’t know I was going to be talking about Asian-American issues so much. You know what, though? It just comes with the territory, being ethnic.
Justin Chon
For me, I can’t watch violence when it’s too grotesque, and it’s just like, that’s revolting to watch. I don’t enjoy it. But when it’s a Tarantino film, I’m lining up outside the door to see it, and I’m expecting to see something really crazy, a lot of blood, and for it to be funny.
Aaron Taylor-Johnson
I think I have an inner confidence that my tastes are pretty simple, that what I find funny finds a wide audience. I’m not particularly intellectual or clever or minority-focused in my creative instincts. And I’m certainly not aware of suppressing more sophisticated ambitions.
Rowan Atkinson
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
Sex is funny and love is serious.
Stephan Jenkins
Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?
James Thurber
Everybody I know who is funny, it’s in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don’t like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing.
Carol Burnett
It just seems to me that there’s no particular reason comedy albums should be dead. There’s a lot to laugh at. We have very funny people, still.
Eric Idle
By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
Richard Dawkins
I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.
Edith Sitwell
When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.
Saul Bellow
Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno
I always tell people that to be the funny person in a Steve Martin movie is like getting a call that Keith Moon wants you to play drums on his record. He should be playing drums on his record.
Jason Schwartzman
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.
Milton Berle
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Rodney Dangerfield
The next time you have a thought… let it go.
Ron White
As for our majority… one is enough.
Benjamin Disraeli
Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.
Laurence J. Peter
Include me out.
Samuel Goldwyn
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’
Demetri Martin
I love sprinting, but I hate long-distance running. Isn’t that funny?
Dylan O’Brien
Once you get past funny, my other qualities are so below average. It’s not like I’m handy.
Seth Meyers
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
H. L. Mencken
What’s funny is that the idea of popularity – even the use of the word ‘popular’ – is something that had been mostly absent from my life since junior high. In fact, the hallmark of life after junior high seemed to be the shedding of popularity as a central concern.
Susan Orlean
I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
Steven Wright
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
Rita Rudner
I thought ‘Borat’ was a breakthrough comedy, because it was really funny. It wasn’t some studio-produced script with 14 writers.
Steve Martin
We try to… we are, I suppose to a certain extent all affected and erm, that is both funny and sad I think.
Tony Hancock
I had seen movies before that that had made me laugh, but I had never seen anything even remotely close to as funny as Richard Pryor was, just standing there talking.
Joe Rogan
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
Mitch Hedberg
We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later.
Louis Aragon
I’m, like, super-clumsy and weird and funny and dorky.
Shantel VanSanten
My dad has blond hair, my grandmother has blue eyes. My daughter has blue eyes and blond hair. So it is pretty funny to me that I’m so heavily identified as an Asian person.
Ruthie Ann Miles
I have seen and heard comedians who had really funny ‘stuff’ but yet could not make the people laugh; then, again – I have seen others whose stuff was anything but humorous, and the audience would howl with laughter.
Al Jolson
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain
It’s funny how all of this has worked out – I wasn’t popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I’m throwing up.
Jimmy Kimmel
When you’re small, you either are funny, or you get beat up a lot.
Tim Conway
What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise.
Jerome K. Jerome
It’s funny, because I have periods where I just kind of go dark. I don’t tweet, I don’t talk, I don’t interview, and then I have times where I do.
Lance Armstrong
This is the great thing about Northern Ireland. I walk down the street and people stop me and say things like, ‘I know you. You’re that wee golfer, aren’t you?’ I say, ‘Yeah, that’s me.’ They say, ‘Keep it up, wee man.’ It’s very funny and that’s why I want to stay here as long as possible.
Rory McIlroy
We are supposed to enjoy the good stuff now, while we can, with the people we love. Life has a funny way of teaching us that lesson over and over again.
Sheena Easton
I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I’ve ever met.
Herb Caen
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
It’s a funny thing: You want so badly for people to see what you do – you’re proud of it – and I like the effect that movies have on people. But the attention can also make me uncomfortable.
Kristen Stewart
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
By making the gay character funny and sweet but above all normal, you make a far better, longer lasting statement than you would if you had an entirely gay comedy.
Sue Perkins
I can be dramatic. I can be funny. I can be sexy. I can be sad. I can be glad.
Kimberly Elise
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Marilyn vos Savant
I became good friends with Jack Whitehall. I think he’s great, such a great dude, and really funny.
Bo Burnham
Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins you can’t imagine the smell.
Robert Byrne
Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.
Will Rogers
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford
What’s funny is that all the artists I’ve collaborated with, I get this feeling that they want me to win. They’re always asking my opinion, always giving me advice.
Stefflon Don
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ but ‘That’s funny…’
Isaac Asimov
Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.
Joan Rivers
It’s so funny because if you tweet your lyrics and then you hear it in a song next week, you’re like, ‘Hey I had that same idea.’ I’m very secretive with my music. We have to send emails password protected. Because once that song gets out, you aren’t selling that thing.
Ester Dean
Experience is what you have after you’ve forgotten her name.
Milton Berle
For me personally, I just don’t have anything to prove anymore. I know exactly who I am, I know that I’m intelligent and acting dumb or acting like whatever. If that’s funny to me because I know it’s false then so be it.
Emma Chamberlain
Comedy is a tool of togetherness. It’s a way of putting your arm around someone, pointing at something, and saying, ‘Isn’t it funny that we do that?’ It’s a way of reaching out.
Kate McKinnon
A joke is just a paintbrush. It takes someone funny to paint something beautiful.
Andrew Schulz
It’s funny the way most people love the dead. Once you are dead, you are made for life.
Jimi Hendrix
I always have a funny story at communion time that underscores that no one is perfect, and that communion is not for perfect people but for hungry people.
Greg Boyle
It’s true; I have a skill and it’s… it has not related to acting, it’s not related to auditions, it’s not related to studios, not related to public whim. It’s whether I’m funny or not and whether I can entertain people.
Tim Allen
I love things made out of animals. It’s just so funny to think of someone saying, ‘I need a letter opener. I guess I’ll have to kill a deer.
David Sedaris
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
Ellen DeGeneres
My life needs editing.
Mort Sahl
My goal is really to just make people laugh with integrity, like, with something that I still find funny.
Ali Wong
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
Joan Rivers
I’m a funny person, but I take my music seriously.
Cardi B
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
George Bernard Shaw
Playing video games, as funny as it might sound, it’s a very important part of our day. Our schedule is so hectic, chaotic, demanding that we need an outlet. We need ways to express ourselves and let our energy out.
Kofi Kingston
I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.
Samuel Goldwyn
I’d never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
Mercedes McCambridge
People know me as just this handsome guy – a very handsome guy. But I can also be funny and fun.
Choi Si-won
I did get the nickname ‘craptain’ from the Yorkshire dressing room. A bit of banter which I thought was quite funny.
Joe Root
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Steve Martin
When you see things upside down, the ego can be extraordinarily funny; it’s absurd. But it’s tragic at the same time.
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Don Marquis
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Cathy Guisewite
I love readings and my readers, but the din of voices of the audience gives me stage fright, and the din of voices inside whisper that I am a fraud, and that the jig is up. Surely someone will rise up from the audience and say out loud that not only am I not funny and helpful, but I’m annoying, and a phony.
Anne Lamott
That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
Joe Rogan
If you could cross a lion and a monkey, that’s what I’d be, because monkeys are funny and lions are strong.
Marlon Wayans
She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years.
J. B. Priestley
I guess the producers saw me and knew I was literate and I always tried to be alert and it’s funny because you have to have a sharpness to do those shows, especially some of the ones I did in later years.
June Lockhart
If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
Robin Williams
I look at old performance videos now, and it’s really funny – I thought I was such a gangster!
Becky G
Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.
Christopher Plummer
I’m screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I’m funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that’s appreciated by young people.
Kurt Vonnegut
I have no agenda except to be funny. Neither I or the writers profess to offer any worldly wisdom.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus
I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
Paul Lynde
Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they’re home. I’m that way at Saks.
Caroline Rhea
I had gotten to a place where I truly believed everything I was called: ‘not sexy,’ ‘not funny,’ ‘too intense,’ desperate.’ All those labels they gave me, I took them because there wasn’t a trace of my true self left.
Naomi Watts
People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.
Logan Pearsall Smith
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, ‘Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.’
Steven Wright
Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.
William Arthur Ward
When I was right out of college, I felt competitive with some of the guys in my class over career stuff. It’s funny now to think about it – that a friend getting a job or something had anything to do with me… I think that my relationship with my wife has played a pivotal role in the chilling out of Aaron.
Aaron Staton
If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they’d never marry.
O. Henry
Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie… a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.
George Orwell
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle
I think it’s funny when people, they try to imitate the ‘Chandelier’ video. I think it’s hilarious.
Maddie Ziegler
The follow your dreams thing is really important because so many people are railroaded into taking other paths by their family, their friends, people who should be supportive going, ‘What are you talking about?’ Even just seemingly regular career paths, but if it’s not what people expect for you they kind of react funny.
Joan Jett
I don’t say things to be offensive; I say things because they’re funny to me. It amuses me.
Marilyn Manson
I find what I do for a living really funny. I mean, acting is kind of a hilarious thing for a grown man to call a job.
Christian Bale
Funny is only something that others know about you – you can’t be funny by yourself.
Chris Rock
I was raised by women. Now I’m raising women. I was always better around girls. I live in an all-female household. I even have two female dogs… It’s funny how that turned out.
Aaron Taylor-Johnson
Who knew Rob Lowe was funny? On ‘Parks and Rec,’ we’ve got some of the funniest comedy writers, some of the funniest comedians in the world working there. And if anything, we don’t just effuse to one another and be like, ‘Oh, Rob Lowe’s really funny,’ if he wasn’t.
Chris Pratt
I do like dating cynics – they tend to be incredibly funny.
Chris Pine
I always ended up having the funny part in Shakespeare, but I really thought I’d be doing theater. That was my ambition for myself.
Jane Lynch
Comedy and tragedy co-exist. You can’t have one without the other. I’m of the school that anything can be funny if seen from a comedic point of view.
Harold Ramis
I went to the University of San Francisco on an athletic scholarship. I didn’t study in high school. I was just there to get by and to play basketball. But a funny thing happened to me when I got to college. I got challenged by the work and the professors.
Michael Franti
If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?
Laurence J. Peter
I’ve never met a funny person who wasn’t smart. I’ve met a lot of dramatic people who were stupid. But I’ve never met a funny person who wasn’t smart.
Rob Lowe
If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter
People often can’t separate, or can’t understand, that to be funny is to be serious; it’s a way of pulling people in and not scaring them off. I think a lot of the funny stuff, underneath it, there’s a deep anxiety going on.
Nick Cave
Everything I buy is vintage and smells funny. Maybe that’s why I don’t have a boyfriend.
Lucy Liu
All my children inherited perfect pitch.
Chevy Chase
It’s a weird thing. Rick Springfield wrote ‘Jessie’s Girl,’ and he probably gets sick of talking about ‘Jessie’s Girl.’ The thing is, I didn’t write ‘Blurred Lines.’ I didn’t direct the music video. I’m really happy for the success, but it is kind of a funny thing to follow me around.
Emily Ratajkowski
I never thought I was funny, but I enjoy being funny.
Nora Dunn
I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn’t funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood.
Gilbert Gottfried
They’re just jokes, people. They can’t all be funny.
Theo Von
I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.
Douglas Adams
The great thing for me about ‘The Resurrection of Gavin Stone’ is it’s a throwback to the old fashioned Hollywood movie that you can watch with your family, has a message, and is funny and entertaining. They didn’t call them faith-based movies; they just called them good movies.
D. B. Sweeney
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
Abraham Lincoln
It’s funny, because I don’t have a very addictive personality in any way except for things like stories or books or movies or TV. I just get, like, completely enamored and lost in that world, especially when one really hits the right way. Like, I just can’t do anything else.
Mae Whitman
I wasn’t close to my father, but I wanted to be all my life. He had a funny sense of humor, and he laughed all the time – good and loud, like I do. He was a gay Irish gentleman and very good-looking. And he wanted to be close to me, too, but we never had much time together.
Judy Garland
I’m not funny in person. I mean I’m really not. I’m one of those people who always screw up anecdotes.
Bill Bryson
I love Adele. Adele is my favorite artist. She’s British. She’s funny. She’s just an amazing, incredible voice, and I love to sing as well.
Millie Bobby Brown
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
It’s a real primal thing, watching someone get hurt. It’s funny and accessible.
Johnny Knoxville
We adore babies because they’re so cute. And, of course, we are amused by jokes because they are funny. This is all backwards. It is. And Darwin shows us why.
Daniel Dennett
When humor can be made to alternate with melancholy, one has a success, but when the same things are funny and melancholic at the same time, it’s just wonderful.
Francois Truff
aut
You know, it wasn’t even that I’m a funny guy, I just loved stand-up comedy and I wanted to do it. It was one of the few things in my life that I knew I was going to be able to do, and I also felt as though I’d be able to do it the way I wanted to do it.
Bill Burr
A man’s got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.
Ernest Hemingway
It’s funny: I kinda still float under the radar. I’m not tall like a New York Knick; I’m not a heavy, strong New York Giant or New York Jet. I blend in pretty well. A lot of people don’t recognize me too many places. More men recognize me than women.
Curtis Granderson
Comedians don’t laugh. They’re too busy analyzing why it’s funny or not.
James Lipton
If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
Clint Eastwood
It’s funny – almost every comedian that I started out with moved to L.A., except for my two friends Hannibal Buress and Amy Schumer. And my two friends that are doing the best in comedy, the most successful friends I have, are Hannibal Buress and Amy Schumer.
Eric Andre
To me, the funniest American of the Twentieth Century is Richard Nixon because he had the most to hide, and he was so bad at hiding it. To me, that’s what’s really funny – people who think they’re doing a great job of hiding stuff, and it just keeps leaking out.
Harry Shearer
If my life wasn’t funny, it would just be true, and that’s unacceptable.
Carrie Fisher
In my circle of friends, I’ve always been loud and funny and talkative. But as soon as I step out of that circle, I get very quiet and introspective. I don’t want the spotlight on me.
Rosie Perez
Don’t send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed.
P. J. O’Rourke
It sounds funny, but my biggest fear is that I’m not perfect. I’m a perfectionist, and I get upset when things go wrong or when I don’t do well.
Nick Jonas
I don’t think I’m that funny.
Nikola Jokic
Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.
Christopher Plummer
Do you know, it’s funny, but I never thought of being blind as a disadvantage, and I never thought of being black as a disadvantage.
Stevie Wonder
It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken
I enjoy doing comedy that is why I pursue it. I believe that life is hard enough already and full of drama so I find things that are funny to use as material.
Kim Wayans
A lot of people don’t think of my work as being all that funny, but I think it’s hilarious!
Fred Tomaselli
Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben
Tell me I’m beautiful, it’s nothing. Tell me I’m intellectual – I know it. Tell me I’m funny, and it’s the greatest compliment in the world anyone could give me.
Julie Newmar
I make funny videos of me playing video games, and I share those moments.
PewDiePie
It’s funny, I hear people say I’m faking all this science stuff. That’s the furthest thing from the truth. It’s literally what I have to do to play and perform at this level.
Bryson DeChambeau
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Jay London
I find it so funny that people find me so interesting.
Britney Spears
I like marriage. The idea.
Toni Morrison
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
W. H. Auden
I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen
I worked with Tyler before on ‘Daddy’s Little Girls’. He couldn’t be smarter or more laid back and cool. He’s always throwing out lines and is funny as hell. And he was shining his light on ‘Peeples’, too, lending his name to showcase Tina as a first-time director, and me as a first-time lead.
Craig Robinson
That’s my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don’t.
Jimmy Kimmel
When I was born I owed twelve dollars.
George S. Kaufman
It may sound funny, but I love the South. I don’t choose to live anywhere else. There’s land here, where a man can raise cattle, and I’m going to do it some day.
Medgar Evers
I’m thankful enough or blessed enough to be able to say that Miles Davis was a friend when he was alive, and he was a wonderful mentor and really, really funny, you know.
Prince
I want to push that no matter what race you are, you’re never just a sidekick or broken character. You’re the main character, you’re the funny character, you can be whatever you want.
Lexi Underwood
I make a point to tweet out really funny comments I get on YouTube videos. I have the most ridiculous ones.
Clairo
Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he’s always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he’s important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O’Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.
Denis Leary
I never thought of myself as like, a funny person.
Lena Dunham
Macho does not prove mucho.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
The funny thing about directing is that you have your own opinions, but it’s a collaboration. Directing is a group effort. Even though you might think something works, the smartest thing you can do as a director is try and weigh the opinions of the people around you.
Chris Evans
It’s funny because I’ve made a living off of words, but words get in the way of what you really want to say.
Kanye West
Someone said to me at a party once, ‘Oh, yeah, you’re a comedian? Then how come you’re not funny now?’ And I just wanted to say, ‘Well, I’m just going to take this conversation we’re having and then repeat that to strangers, and then that’s the joke. You’re the joke later.’
Mike Birbiglia
Those who knew Lincoln described him as an extraordinarily funny man. Humor was an essential aspect of his temperament. He laughed, he explained, so he did not weep.
Doris Kearns Goodwin
Pete Davidson – he’s in the movie ‘Trainwreck.’ He has a small part in it. I told Lorne Michaels about him, said he was really funny.
Bill Hader
I think anyone who’s perfectly happy isn’t particularly funny.
Joan Rivers
My parents are both very funny but they’re also relatively soft-spoken, normal human beings while I’m just a lunatic. I don’t know where this loud, ballsy, hammy ridiculousness came from. I’m just glad I followed my goals and my parents did too. It’s not like we even had a plan when I dragged my mom to Los Angeles.
Emma Stone
Cure for an obsession: get another one.
Mason Cooley
It’s such a funny thing when you see your daughter transitioning from your baby, your little girl, to suddenly being a young woman. If you’re not really looking for it, you can miss it, and Lily-Rose is on that road already, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
Johnny Depp
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
There is nothing in the world that I loathe more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery mix in a multiplication of mediocrity.
Vladimir Nabokov
At some point in the past, it was decided that women in comedy are never supposed to be shown in an unflattering light. But in comedy, you need all of your tools to be funny.
Melissa McCarthy
Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!
Steve Martin
Everyone tells me I have a funny accent. It’s because I copy people. I learned English at school but have best friends who are French, Australian, English and American; a very weird mix.
Caroline Winberg
Eddie Drake is sort of this loose cannon, funny, edgy guy, who has this really foolish, foolish mustache.
Lee Tergesen
I’m blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I’m sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I’m nice – and I like to eat.
Paris Hilton
It’s funny how life works. You end up sometimes back where you started.
Karl Iagnemma
I know there’s a CSI game. I’ve never seen it, though, so I’m not really sure. I hope it’s interesting. I hope that they’ve done a good job making it, but because I’ve never seen it, the jury is still out on whether it’s interesting or not. But it is funny to imagine that it’s been turned into a game.
Thomas Gibson
You can’t fake comedy. You can’t make it look beautiful or put an interesting bit of music on in the background: funny can only be funny if you’re funny.
Aisling Bea
I want someone that’s caring, funny, who’s similar to me – who doesn’t take life too seriously – keeps their private life private and is mature!
Maura Higgins
The funny thing about history is that we imagine that people didn’t laugh in the old days, but of course they did, at stupid things.
Terry Jones
I had no desire to get up onstage and tell jokes. I prefer to stand next to really funny people.
Jon Hamm
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
Steven Wright
When someone calls me up and wants me to do something, of course I am open to it. But I am not going to do it if there isn’t anything interesting or funny about it.
David Faustino
The whole character of Super Dave is a takeoff on people who pontificate. So one thing I never want to do is pontificate why this works, why this is funny. I have no idea what the appeal is. All we are trying to do is make people have a good time and laugh.
Bob Einstein
Maori get pigeonholed into the idea they’re spiritual and telling stories like ‘Whale Rider’ and ‘Once Were Warriors,’ quite serious stuff, but we’re pretty funny people, and we never really have had an opportunity to show that side of ourselves, the clumsy, nerdy side of ourselves, which is something I am.
Taika Waititi
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O’Rourke
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.
Albert Einstein
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Saint Augustine
There’s a fine line between angry and grumpy. Angry isn’t nice, but grumpy is funny.
Rick Wakeman
It’s a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.
W. Somerset Maugham
Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others’ discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it’s funny.
Shah Rukh Khan
Every man’s dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Jerry Lewis
Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax.
Charles Kettering
When ‘Mean Girls’ came out, I was 15. So I saw that movie and was like, ‘That is so funny.’ But it still has that fluffy, happy ending, and that doesn’t happen in high school.
Barrett Wilbert Weed
The shooting of the guns, that was kind of funny, because rolling a cigarette and shooting a gun aren’t like normal things for a 13-year old girl!
Hailee Steinfeld
Objectifying is kind of a funny thing. Art is objectification, all art, because you’re taking someone and making them into an object. But people can also talk back more to you when you’re sketching them. They can look at you and say, ‘Oh man, you got me wrong.’
Molly Crabapple
I realized I was gay in the shower one day with Barbra Streisand. It happened while I was lathering, rinsing, and repeating with Pert Plus. As I was belting out the chorus to my favorite song from ‘Funny Girl,’ ‘Oh my man, I love him so, he’ll never know…’ it hit me.
Ross Mathews
When I started out, everyone seemed to be adopting these names… Johnny Rotten, Sid Vicious. I wasn’t really Rotten or Vicious or Nasty, so I wanted something a bit more funny – yet something that seemed real rock ‘n’ roll… something that acknowledged my ambition.
Billy Idol
Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax.
Charles Kettering
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
Thomas Sowell
I have my website, The Ruckus, which is an Internet site, similar to the Funny or Die format, where people post funny videos. I get a chance to rate their videos; they get a chance to blog and kick it with me.
J. B. Smoove
I love shifting between being super cute and aggressive. It’s funny.
Sigrid
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
Dr. Seuss
I always tell people that to be the funny person in a Steve Martin movie is like getting a call that Keith Moon wants you to play drums on his record. He should be playing drums on his record.
Jason Schwartzman
I’ve always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they’re just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations were not professional entertainers.
Steve Martin
Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
Steve Martin
There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice.
Lewis Black
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Mitch Hedberg
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.
Franklin P. Jones
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Lewis Mumford
It’s funny, we appear as robots from another world, but what we do, what the robots create, is really human after all.
Guy-Manuel de Homem-Christo
I’ve always found it easier to be funny than to be serious.
Molly Ivins
The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.
P. G. Wodehouse
I get asked, ‘Who would you really like to work with?’ I’m already working with them. Smart, talented, funny people, good musicians, an extended family, good friends.
Christopher Guest
Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. There are a lot of good comics out there, no doubt, but as far as the quality of the comics goes, I think what you have is a bunch of situational comics.
Chris Rock
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we’ll find it.
Sam Levenson
Life is funny. If you don’t laugh, you’re in trouble.
Taylor Hawkins
Funny enough, you know who I used to really like in Lion King? It was Scar.
Burna Boy
A lot of men are competitive about being funny.
Arden Myrin
I went to New York for Fashion Week and girls showed up waiting to see me. It’s funny because there’s a group of girls who I actually recognize because they always show up. It’s nice and I’m like, ‘Hi girls! I recognize your faces!’ It’s just like a feel-good experience.
Katie Cassidy
I’m so bad at dancing that I’ve actually been in two movies where the director of the film saw me dancing and thought it was so funny that in one movie they had me do it as the mental dancing of a real simple person. The other one was, like, to-be-laughed-at dancing. That’s how bad my dancing is.
Emily Hampshire
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Robin Williams
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Lily Tomlin
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
You can’t be a real spy and have everybody in the world know who you are and what your drink is. That’s just hysterically funny.
Roger Moore
I like to play music, and I like to be funny, so I just do both at the same time.
Christopher Guest
Animals are sentient, intelligent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children.
Michael Morpurgo
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I’m watching the highlights.
Jay London
Crashing is never funny, but sometimes you can jump up, laugh at your stupidity, and go, ‘What the hell was that?’
Jens Voigt
I’m the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.
Mickey Rooney
I tend to head for what’s amusing because a lot of things aren’t happy. But usually you can find a funny side to practically anything.
Maggie Smith
Sausages are just funny. I don’t know why. I can’t explain it.
Phoebe Waller-Bridge
I was fired from an NBC sitcom called ‘Friends With Benefits.’ I was wrong for the part from the beginning, didn’t even want to audition, and kept thinking, ‘This isn’t funny at all.’
Patrick J. Adams
You know how old I am? I’m so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That’s how old I am.
Rush Limbaugh
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
Abraham Lincoln
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
Voltaire
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin
I grew up playing hockey and some football, and I always think about the first time you walk into the locker room on a new team. The cliques are looking at you funny, and you make one friend, but then they’re trying to stab you in the back.
Aaron Douglas
It’s a real primal thing, watching someone get hurt. It’s funny and accessible.
Johnny Knoxville
It’s hard to be funny when you have to be clean.
Mae West
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others’ discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it’s funny.
Shah Rukh Khan
I did this movie called ‘Their Eyes Were Watching God,’ and I was an extra, and it was a movie that Oprah was producing. She had walked by, and I was making all the other extras laugh, and she said, ‘You’re a very funny young lady.’ I was like, ‘Eeeee!’
Tiffany Haddish
As a comedian, it really gelled when I started doing standup. Because standup is so much about bravery, especially in the early days. There is no doubt that it is going to go terribly for you over and over and over again. But you cannot get funny without bombing.
Aisha Tyler
I think serial monogamy says it all.
Tracey Ullman
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips
If it weren’t for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we’d still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Johnny Carson
Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
Ronald Reagan
There’s a lot more to me than just funny.
Steve Harvey
Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.
Stephen Hawking
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
Wilson Mizner
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. Fields
I consider that a man’s brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.
Arthur Conan Doyle
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
It’s funny how most people love the dead, once you’re dead, you’re made for life.
Jimi Hendrix
I definitely started to perform a little bit in middle school, but not the typical musical/play route. I think that I am funny, but it was more of a social thing, where that was my part in my circle of friends.
Abbi Jacobson
When I do a voiceover now, there are always a few people I’ve borrowed bits off, whether it’s their hats or facial hair, who’ll say: ‘That’s so funny; it’s obviously based on this guy.’ You think, ‘It ain’t: it’s you.’ Actors never think characters are based on them.
Matt Berry
People think it’s funny that I enjoy dreaming so much. I just use it as a form of entertainment. It’s very private. I don’t see my dreams as separate. I mean, half the time I’m wandering around dreaming anyway.
Robert Smith
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
When someone calls me up and wants me to do something, of course I am open to it. But I am not going to do it if there isn’t anything interesting or funny about it.
David Faustino
It’s a funny thing… I started touring at nine or ten years old, and for the first ten, fifteen, almost twenty years of your career, you’re the youngest guy on stage and the youngest guy in the room.
Derek Trucks
You can do anything with bayonets except sit on them.
Thomas Hardy
Everything seems fine until you’re about 40. Then something is definitely beginning to go wrong. And you look in the mirror with your old habit of thinking, ‘While I accept that everyone grows old and dies, it’s a funny thing, but I’m an exception to that rule.’
Martin Amis
One longs to be funny, to make people laugh. Laughter is such a sign of approval, isn’t it?
Tom Baker
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.
Jeff Ross
I know what’s funny, and I probably know the best way to deliver the joke. Whether it’s walking out of a room, facing that way, facing this way. I just have a sense of that.
James Burrows
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen
When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, ‘Oh, man!’ I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side.
Robin Williams
I saw a stationery store move.
Jay London
Eyebrows are really important because they structure the face. In school it was funny because I was always the one walking around with tweezers plucking my girlfriends’ eyebrows. I was really good; eyebrow tweezing runs in my family – my mother used to do mine, and I picked it up.
Rita Ora
The follow your dreams thing is really important because so many people are railroaded into taking other paths by their family, their friends, people who should be supportive going, ‘What are you talking about?’ Even just seemingly regular career paths, but if it’s not what people expect for you they kind of react funny.
Joan Jett
I have an unfortunate personality.
Orson Welles
Funny is funny, and it can come in 8 billion different shades and flavors, so I think it’s silly to kind of limit it.
Melissa McCarthy
I think the Cold War works as a great analogy or simile for different kinds of conflict. It’s funny, when you look back at it, it’s one of the last times that the boundaries were clear. Now, as we see on ‘Homeland,’ there are no clear boundaries and enemies.
Matthew Rhys
The funny thing about directing is that you have your own opinions, but it’s a collaboration. Directing is a group effort. Even though you might think something works, the smartest thing you can do as a director is try and weigh the opinions of the people around you.
Chris Evans
A romantic comedy has to be funny and make you think about life; but the obstacle that has to be overcome is key.
Jennifer Lopez
I’m a funny guy. I want people to laugh. I laugh at myself, I make fun of myself. But at the end of the day everything that I say has a message in it.
Lil B
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
Josh Billings
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley
Only the mediocre are always at their best.
Jean Giraudoux
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder?
Don Rickles
I think if everyone would write down the funny stories from their own childhoods, the world would be a better place.
Jeff Kinney
Flea markets are fun because they are the ultimate treasure hunt. Be open to the fact that you never know what you’ll find. The most beautiful, quirky, funny, scary pieces may not have an intrinsic value.
Lara Spencer
I write what I think is funny and I write from a sense of popping a balloon or a sense of injustice, whether it’s about yourself, or whether it’s about something else. It’s my worldview; it doesn’t mean that everybody has to agree with it.
Denis Leary
Latinos, Asians, African-Americans, women – we’re all trying to find our place in this world of cinema and television and theater. And the great thing with comedy is that most of the time, you could be orange. It doesn’t matter, as long you’re funny.
Sandra Bullock
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.
Thomas Szasz
A word to the wise is infuriating.
Hunter S. Thompson
Why do I want to annoy people? Because annoying people is funny.
Limmy
I’ve dated some women who have turned me on to some funny things that are strange for men to actually do, but these things have become part of my process. I think the things I do for my appearance help make me look better. I even colour my hair because I like how it makes me look.
Ryan Seacrest
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
George Bernard Shaw
I’m funny on camera sometimes. In life, once in a while. Once in a while.
Gene Wilder
Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.
George Lopez
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’
Claude Pepper
I have Slavic fat pads that make me look like a chipmunk and arched predatory eyebrows. With that, you’re not going to get funny. That’s why I play so many bad guys.
Liev Schreiber
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
Hillary Clinton
I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
Paul Lynde
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin
You know what’s funny to me? Attitude.
Don Rickles
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
Lenny Bruce
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz
I grew up with interesting and funny people. We made our own fun. You had to use your imagination.
James Acaster
There’s a great power in words, if you don’t hitch too many of them together.
Josh Billings
It’s so funny, I’ve done so many projects where I’ve been interrogated. I guest starred on almost every hour drama, and I’m always the guy they think is the bad guy but then they find out is not.
Aaron Paul
I love hearing about bad behavior. It’s just so funny to me. Especially, grown ups acting like weird, inconsolable babies over really stupid things, to me, is really funny.
Adam Scott
I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Les Dawson
You know being relevant or coming up with something interesting, funny to say about what’s current is just as hard as it might ever be depending on the serendipity of it all.
Lily Tomlin
And as – funny enough, it actually became – so I’ve always wanted to be a Guinness world record holder. And believe it or not, before I made this there was not a category for world’s largest Nerf gun, but there is now.
Mark Rober
Getting fan mail from Brazil is kind of funny.
Essie Davis
I hate to say it but I hate black humor. I feel like a Klan member saying it, but it’s just not funny.
Issa Rae
Isn’t it funny how babies laugh a lot? I read a toddler, a young child laughs 300 times a day. The average adult laughs, like, four times a day. God put it in them. He put the laugh in us, but I think sometimes we let life get us down, you know, have bad breaks, and we lose our breaks.
Joel Osteen
One of the things I like about acting is that, in a funny way, I come back to myself.
Bill Murray
We need two kinds of acquaintances, one to complain to, while to the others we boast.
Logan Pearsall Smith
I love funny Instagram filters. Where your face changes; your eyes become big, your mouth becomes protruded. I love all of that.
Rohit Saraf
I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
Comedy is just an unspoken language. Everybody understands it. Funny is funny. When it’s not funny, they’ll let you know.
Jo Koy
In terms of the creative side of it, it’s really been a thing where you come up with the funny stuff is usually at a bar or out talking to people or whatever.
Trey Parker
Fame is a funny thing. I like doing normal things. I like going to fairs. I like going to ball games. I like going to Disney World or a big field on the Fourth of July and having picnics with friends. The problem is you’re either worried you’re going to be recognized, or you’re thankful you’re not. It’s always there.
Chris Evans
There’s one thing about baldness, it’s neat.
Don Herold
There are so many funny women in the world, and there has been for so many years, so I’ll be happy when people can just move on from that, and things can just be ‘comedies’ and not ‘female’ or ‘male,’ and everyone gets an equal opportunity.
Kristen Wiig
I’ve never worked in my natural accent, having studied so hard to get rid of it when I moved to England as a child where I was bullied at school for ‘talking funny.’
Gina Bellman
Playing video games, as funny as it might sound, it’s a very important part of our day. Our schedule is so hectic, chaotic, demanding that we need an outlet. We need ways to express ourselves and let our energy out.
Kofi Kingston
If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
Rob Corddry
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
It’s a different world: when I’m writing ‘Toast,’ I’ve got one foot in 1974 and one foot in the modern day, because the modern day is nowhere near as funny or interesting.
Matt Berry
It’s a funny thing: You want so badly for people to see what you do – you’re proud of it – and I like the effect that movies have on people. But the attention can also make me uncomfortable.
Kristen Stewart
Not all detectives are the same – some play bad cop, some are awkward, some are funny.
Juliette Lewis
I’m the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.
Mickey Rooney
Trust is hard to come by. That’s why my circle is small and tight. I’m kind of funny about making new friends.
Eminem
There’s something very authentic about humor, when you think about it. Anybody can pretend to be serious. But you can’t pretend to be funny.
Billy Collins
There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.
Josh Billings
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard
My parents were very funny – they didn’t know it. But they were. They were actually sharing an IQ.
Tim Conway
When I got the phone call that I was going to be on ‘Drag Race’ I thought I was going to win. I thought I was going to win ‘Drag Race’ before I was even cast. I’m not even being funny. I’m being serious.
Bob the Drag Queen
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
Bob Hope
Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it’s really how it works.
Steve Jobs
Life has a funny way of becoming ordinary as soon as it can.
Colm Toibin
A transposable aphorism is a malaise of the urge to be witty, or in other words, a maxim that is untroubled by the fact that the opposite of what it says is equally true so long as it appears to be funny.
Umberto Eco
I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope
Confidence is a funny thing, and sometimes that’s all you need is just that little bit to elevate you to the next level.
DeAndre Yedlin
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Joe E. Lewis
I’ve seen many female comics that a lot of people haven’t heard of who are so funny, and I saw them come up, and they were working so hard, and then all of a sudden they had a baby, and they just got tied up in motherhood, and eventually, they kind of just stopped doing stand-up, and I thought it was such a shame.
Ali Wong
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante
When you reminisce, you don’t say, ‘Remember that time you got sued by so-and-so?’ No, you say, ‘Remember when we played here and it was unbelievable, and we went out for that incredible meal and that funny thing happened?’ Those are the important moments.
John Petrucci
Racing is a funny industry. One week you can be going terrible and the next week you’re on top of the world. So you just keep showing up: I keep working harder to get more opportunities, but what do you do – that’s life.
Michelle Payne
It is to be observed that ‘angling’ is the name given to fishing by people who can’t fish.
Stephen Leacock
We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect.
Alanis Morissette
When I’m on stage, it’s really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It’s funny how different it looks and how it’s happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I’m going to get a bagel.
Steven Wright
The funny thing is musicians often love to go to see visual art because you’ve got all these pictures to turn into metaphors.
Dar Williams
The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.
Jean de la Bruyere
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Mae West
It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.
Adlai Stevenson I
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx
Certainly there are things in life that money can’t buy, but it’s very funny – Did you ever try buying them without money?
Ogden Nash
An idea isn’t responsible for the people who believe in it.
Don Marquis
I know my strong points: I work hard, I have talent, I’m funny, and I’m a good person.
Pink
Funny enough, the most discrimination I’ve ever gotten as a woman in this industry has been from other women.
Reed Morano
I know that I’m going to die and that you’re going to die. I can’t do anything about that. But I can explore it through a metaphor and make a kind of funny, dark story about it, and in doing so, really exhaust and research as many aspects of it as I can imagine. And in a way, that does give me some closure.
Chuck Palahniuk
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
Gloria Steinem
Too much agreement kills a chat.
Eldridge Cleaver
You win a race, the next race it’s a question mark. Are you still the best or not? That’s what is funny. But that’s what is interesting. And that’s what is challenging. You have to prove yourself every time.
Michael Schumacher
All men are equal before fish.
Herbert Hoover
Be stupid, be dumb, be funny, if that’s who you are. Don’t try to be someone that society wants you to be; that’s stupid. So be yourself.
Christina Grimmie
I read that John Hughes script for ‘Mr. Mom,’ and I thought, ‘This guy is a funny writer.’ I went: ‘You ought to stick around and direct this thing.’ But he didn’t; he left, and look what he became. A really legendary comedy director.
Michael Keaton
It’s truly a new day ever since we graced the WWE Universe with our presence. Every time we come out there, you see us being funny, having fun, entertaining people and, of course, preaching the power of positivity. That’s what New Day is all about.
Kofi Kingston
I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
Billy Connolly
I love Adele. Adele is my favorite artist. She’s British. She’s funny. She’s just an amazing, incredible voice, and I love to sing as well.
Millie Bobby Brown
Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings.
Sparky Anderson
Sure, I am funny and have a good sense of humor. Mostly, though, I just tell the truth. The internal dialogue people have in their heads – I just write it.
Kara Swisher
My dad is a really funny guy, and we would make jokes about my leukemia. When my friends would come over, we would joke about it, too.
Vanessa Bayer
Seeing the funny side of life is useful, and I’ve always had a sense of humour.
Henry Allingham
I’ve dated some women who have turned me on to some funny things that are strange for men to actually do, but these things have become part of my process. I think the things I do for my appearance help make me look better. I even colour my hair because I like how it makes me look.
Ryan Seacrest
It’s funny, there’s all these slogans like ‘you’re never too old to keep dreaming.’ You know it’s funny how in the basketball world, and in the business world where you’re just supposed to stop. In the sports world, I feel like at 35 you’re just supposed to stop. If you do, that’s great.
Diana Taurasi
It’s funny, I never think I’m doing that well. I’ve never, ever. I just constantly think, ‘This isn’t working out.’
Dominic Cooper
I’ve always loved ‘Umbrella.’ Funny enough, my ex-husband wrote that, and I’m not saying it was meant for me or anything – people will start twisting this – it is Rihanna’s song! But I’ve always loved it.
Christina Milian
He looks as though he’s been weaned on a pickle.
Alice Roosevelt Longworth
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
Bob Hope
There’s a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.
Milton Berle
Sometimes I’ll put on a Zig Ziglar tape: he’s a motivational speaker who is really funny and really American. I know I should do the things he says, but I’m too cynical.
Laila Rouass
The easiest time to be funny is during a fairly serious situation. That way, you can break the ice. It’s crazy, but even at funerals, people will get huge laughs.
Adam McKay
I’m not funny. What I am is brave.
Lucille Ball
I just find all that stuff incredibly funny. I love a fart. I’d do anything for a good poo story.
Phoebe Waller-Bridge
Tennis is a funny game, and it takes a life-time of keeping one’s eyes open on the circuit to have any chance of understanding the strange phenomena that exist in our exciting sport!
Sania Mirza
Why don’t you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
Robert Benchley
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you’re funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
Joan Rivers
If you’re naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don’t like.
William Feather
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
Will Rogers
People are funny, and in the most tragic situations, when comedy erupts from nowhere, it can turn on its head within the space of a second or a minute. You’re laughing one minute and you’re crying the next and that’s just life for me, and that is what people are like.
Sally Hawkins
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright
My mum passing away wasn’t funny, but that funeral and what I went through, the things that happened, looking back at it, there were funny moments. You have to be strong enough to look back at it, to sit and assess the situation.
Kevin Hart
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
Joey Adams
When you’re in the editing room, the dangerous thing is that it becomes like telling a joke again and again and again. Eventually, the joke starts to not be funny. So you have to be careful that you’re not throwing the baby out with the bath water.
Ridley Scott
Probably spending 12 years at boarding school – comedy became a survival gene. But I think some people are funny right off the bat, as soon as they can speak or be naughty.
Eric Idle
I love fools’ experiments. I am always making them.
Charles Darwin
For 35 years, I was a writer. I wrote a lot of jokes. Some of them weren’t funny. Some of them weren’t appropriate. Some of them were downright offensive. I understand that.
Al Franken
Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I’m afraid it did.
Bette Davis
I don’t just try to be funny.
Bil Keane
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.
Theodore Roosevelt
Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
H. G. Wells
I can speak Esperanto like a native.
Spike Milligan
People are apprehensive about finding ‘The Leftovers’ funny because it’s such a dark circumstance, but I think, really, what the show is about is examining how different people deal with loss. There are elements of humour and levity and irony in that… just like in real life.
Emily Meade
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
I realized I was gay in the shower one day with Barbra Streisand. It happened while I was lathering, rinsing, and repeating with Pert Plus. As I was belting out the chorus to my favorite song from ‘Funny Girl,’ ‘Oh my man, I love him so, he’ll never know…’ it hit me.
Ross Mathews
The letters I really love are from young actresses who were worried they had to fit a certain look. They say I’ve opened it up. And I don’t just mean plus-size girls. You can push things now. With all the great performances in ‘Bridesmaids’, it changed how people see funny women.
Melissa McCarthy
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
Anthony Burgess
I’m funny when I want to be. And I’m even funny when I don’t want to be.
Elaine Stritch
One man is as good as another until he has written a book.
Benjamin Jowett
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don’t believe I deserved my friends.
Walt Whitman
What bothers most critics of my work is the goofiness. One reviewer said I need to make up my mind if want to be funny or serious. My response is that I will make up my mind when God does, because life is a commingling of the sacred and the profane, good and evil. To try and separate them is fallacy.
Tom Robbins
If you’re an aspiring show maker, and you have the means to sit around for a few months, you should be making funny cartoons and uploading them to the internet.
Pendleton Ward
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
Joan Rivers
I’ve seen many female comics that a lot of people haven’t heard of who are so funny, and I saw them come up, and they were working so hard, and then all of a sudden they had a baby, and they just got tied up in motherhood, and eventually, they kind of just stopped doing stand-up, and I thought it was such a shame.
Ali Wong
I can’t tell if I want to be a rapper who’s funny because I kind of enjoy just doing really stupid songs about nothing. But I want to have a career that’s long-lasting, and I don’t think people want to listen to a straight-up comedy rapper all the time.
Awkwafina
People be famous for everything other than music and that’s what they really trying to do. But they don’t know once you get famous for being this funny guy, nobody’s going to take you serious as a musician.
Blueface
I went from 250 to, like, 175 in three and a half, four months. And then I ended up graduating with honors. I went from a 2.4 to a 3.06 in a year. It’s funny how those two are related. I don’t want to say that if you lose weight, you’ll get smarter, but… well, it worked for me.
Jay Pharoah
I don’t deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.
Flannery O’Connor
I like to be funny. I can’t stay all the time focused, disciplined, controlled. Behaviour like that is impossible. If the players are too nervous before a game, I have to relax them, calm them.
Carlo Ancelotti
If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.
George Burns
I read part of it all the way through.
Samuel Goldwyn
I like Jacques Derrida; I think he’s funny. I like my philosophy with a few jokes and puns. I know that that offends other philosophers; they think he’s not taking things seriously, but he comes up with some marvellous puns. Why shouldn’t you have a bit of fun while dealing with the deepest issues of the mind?
Alan Moore
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry Kissinger
If you’re talking about Java in particular, Python is about the best fit you can get amongst all the other languages. Yet the funny thing is, from a language point of view, JavaScript has a lot in common with Python, but it is sort of a restricted subset.
Guido van Rossum
It’s funny how the music industry is enraged about the Internet and the way things are copied without being paid for. But you know why people steal the music? Because they can’t afford the music.
Tom Petty
It’s a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan, it’s when you discover that your wife left you in May.
Denis Norden
Always remember your kid’s name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don’t let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers… for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces.
Amy Poehler
The token gay character is always so funny and so fantastic. That’s happened a lot. Or they’re often purely victims.
Ezra Miller
Naked dudes are inherently funny.
Adam DeVine
Who picks your clothes – Stevie Wonder?
Don Rickles
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz
