Top 55 Phyllis Diller Quotes

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.

I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

The last thing I’d learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My father used to call me the laughing hyena.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.